My trainer texted me this morning. She's visiting her parents. It was as a vacation but I think it's turned in to more than that. Her dad is in pretty rough shape. He has been and she knew that but she didn't realize it was so bad. He doesn't recognize her and I think he's becoming violent with her mom.
She said she may have to stay for awhile to get things settled and help her mom.
My heart aches for her.
I remember how gut wrenching it was to decide to put Grandma in a home. I remember though how hard it was at the end to properly care for her in her house and how very hard it was on my mother.
As the seasons change and with this news I can't help but think of the seasons of life. My Paw-paw always said his retirement was is second childhood. He'd always laugh when he'd say it and give me a wink, as Grandma would roll her eyes.
It was hard to get through his illnesses - kidney dialysis is not fun. I'm pretty sure he'd have just told them to stop and let him die if it weren't for us.
My grandmother slowly just lost her mobility to arthritis and her mind to dementia. I didn't always understand she wasn't herself when I was a teen. I remember once when she screamed at my mother at dinner. She started with how horrible my moms cooking was, nothing was right, and she growled that all her problems started when my mom was born. I had never been so angry at my grandmother than at that moment. How could she be so ungrateful? How could she not see how much my mom was sacrificing to care for her? The look on my mom's face ... I exploded. My mom stared at her food, fighting back tears in my grandmothers kitchen. I don't remember what my father did. I told my grandmother she'd never see me again if she spoke to my mother like that again. I didn't understand it wasn't her talking at that moment it was pretty early still in her dementia and I wasn't wholly accustomed to the bitter anger she had begun to display. I guess I did know she wasn't herself but it was too much to just take in that moment.
It was the only time I ever wasn't patient with her though. Non-stop repetitive questions - is soandso still alive? I was used to that. I'd answer. She'd cry. Then she'd start asking again and we'd do it all over. I didn't mind helping her with anything - even the more unpleasant stuff like going to the bathroom or baths. I almost remember fondly arguing with her over the fact she HAD had a bowel movement that week - she'd forgotten and would worry herself over it. Even with moments that would could smile about it or those that she'd remember again, it still took it's toll on us all.
Once she was in the home she was never mean. She just wanted to go home - but she wanted to go to her parents home we realized. It was good for mom not to have to do everything, though she still spent much of her time there. It was all very hard. No matter what we did and even still I miss her so much. Even the crazy version of her.
I wouldn't wish it on my enemies to have to care for a family member in that mental and physical state, yet it taught me so much.
I hate to hear my instructor may be MIA here for awhile but I know others I can do lessons with. However, to be honest that is the last thing I even thought of when she sent the text. I hate for her that her dad in such a shape. I think it's very much taken a toll on her mother, she just didn't know how much. She's a wonderful person who I know will do her best by her parents but my heart truly goes out to her. Those years may be golden but often there isn't much glitter to it... but that's life, I guess.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
yup, AB.
ReplyDeleteso it goes.
Best wishes for your trainer and her family.
Be kind to old people, y'all.
Like dear AB.
goopies to Gator!
My grandfather is almost to the point where he needs to go to a home, it’s sad to see, thinking back just a few years ago he was still out ranching. It’s heartbreaking and annoying at the same time, especially when he comes out and tells me how to do things completely opposite of what I'm doing or demands that I drop what I’m doing to help him, of course I begrudging comply which often leads to very long work days and very little saddle time. But I feel even worse for people who have to take care of mentality disabled people like our neighbor, he was once a perfectly capable human being and now he's like a three year old constantly making trouble. Alas it is life and we all make do. I wish the very best for your trainer and her family... you’re right the years might be golden but they aren’t glittery.
ReplyDeleteDementia is one of the sadest things in the word to watch .I lost my grandmother to it ,and have spent much of my career working with individuals and families struggling to understand and cope. I have a poem somwhere written by a nurse describing dementia from the patients eyes ,it breaks your heart .
ReplyDeleteBest wishes to your trainer/friend.And hugs to you ,the memories good and sad arepart of what has created such a beautiful person as yourself.
SM - I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather. It's really hard to see them fall prey to their own body and brain as they betray them.
ReplyDeleteI will only tell you this - one day you will absolutely be glad you dropped everything to do what he asks. At 17 I thought I was missing out when I had to forego fun things to help sometimes. Now I'm so grateful to have those memories. Even the worst ones. I think I have two very vigilent guardian angels thanks to that.
fv - I'd love to read that poem if you dig it up. Dementia is awful.
I know Teresa will pull through this she's a sweet but tough soul. I will have to tell her when I talk to her (as we've only texted back and forth about it) that I'm willing to do anything she needs to help out (like currently I'm checking in on her cats etc.). She's a good friend so I'll just do my best to be there for her during this.
Thanks for all the well wishes! It never ceases to amaze me how many people have been touched by alzheimers and dementia.
:(
ReplyDeleteThats too bad AB.
Its a hard life when it comes to that kind of thing.
Family. Le sigh.
It is so hard when the person you loved and loved you is present physically but what made that person is gone. How do you say good-bye to the body when you said good-bye to the essence a long time ago? So, so sad. I wish her the best.
ReplyDelete