Where'd my Mojo go?

My drive to the barn was panicky. I keep fearing I'm going to show up to a three legged lame horse. I know it's stupid. I really do. I have mentioned though I have great fear over hurting him though right?

Anyways... I get to the barn, the vet is there doing shots on the last gaggle of new horses that had arrived to board there a week ago. I decide I better grab him quick in case he's off since the vet is already on site. I also grab another very horse experienced girl to get her opinion on his soundness. I don't *think* I see anything... but what I see I think I'm imagining or am I missing something... The swelling actually did look slightly better today.

I go to free lounge him in the round pen. I'd forgot to grab a whip. Guess who decided to only trot small evasive circles only as he pleased... but still very up. Grrr... She laughed and said no need to put him down just yet, of course kidding. She said ride. I know him well enough I'll feel a difference and I should go ride. I know she's right. I tack him up.

Take him to the ring. Everyone seems to have apparated at this point. Stretch and such as we walk two full laps both ways on the rail then I ask for a trot.

Off we went... several laps of the trot and stretching his back, his head is down (almost too far... durn peanut roller...) and I don't *think* I feel any irregularity in the gait. I try and count the beats and they seem rhythmic. Good. I ask for him to extend a little because he's being pokey and looky - two, three, four strides with more and more extension, and canter! Well then. It was also QUITE forward. Half halt, he really listened. I guess you don't feel too bad do ya' buddy? I let him canter a few laps - first time cantering in this saddle. I barely shifted weight into my seat to ask for the extended gait and got a canter... hmmm... Reversed. Cue for canter - no ears flattened no fuss, just departed. Saddle must feel pretty good to him. No slippage. No problems. Our downward transitions are smoother... way smoother. He rebalanced much faster and easier. Actually listened to light half halts and fell easily back into a trot. Interesting.

Now what about me? I'm not sure if I'm just not used to the deeper seat but it was the first time I thought should I have a tinge more room - though I felt VERY secure though. I *think* I'm just not used to the deeper seat yet.

I decide we should go for a short hack. We open the gate - he was a bit impatient but it's not allowed anymore and it only took three tries. He's starting to 'get' opening the gate. We do it my way or no way. We also shut the gate. That was new and he did very well.

He was more interested in going back to the barn than down the trail. He's always goofier in the evenings and it was quite cool and he hasn't been worked hard at all in... oh, over a week easily. I expected this.

Every third step he tries to turn back. Block. Tries to turn the other way. Block. If I blocked too hard he'd trot -but did come back down easily which was nice. But oh was he so worried! He's a faker. He wants his dinner. I start singing or talking to him, he relaxes and goes on. Something in the woods he *thinks* of starting at and doesn't. I realized I'm sort of tense - 'butt clenchy'. Talk, try and relax. Bam - something sets him off. I think he imagined it. I totally grab his face. Damnit. I haven't done that in forever ... he runs after I get in his mouth. Of course he does. Damnit.

And we're galloping. He's not too interested in stopping but we're in a big hay field on the path cut for riding so I know it wasn't unsafe so I don't slam him into a one rein stop either. I think I felt bad for grabbing his mouth when he jumped. He did slow and he did come to a complete stop though when I asked and actually stood. The BO had been cutting hay in the field and we'd come up on a parked rake that I could tell he didn't like but he'd stopped not too far from it and stood anyways. I pat his neck and try to make myself relax - I wasn't scared just my whole damn body was tense - especially my lower back. I think I was avoiding sitting deep... was I STILL worried about him being lame and me hurting him? Yup. Am I already this weak from not riding for a week?

We go past the BO's house, he's snorty at a trailer we've passed 100 times but not THAT side but he walks on happy to be going back to the barn.

I'm counting his foot falls down the soft road- is he off? I didn't want him to gallop that was probably too much. Yes, he's off... wait, no. Rhythmic. He's just tense. I was tense. I shouldn't have expected anything less.

I groomed him until the BO came to turn in. He was very lovey. I think he's trying to figure out why I keep babying him and why we aren't doing more.

Oh... I'm not sure his saddle had caused 'pressure points' as I had thought first ride. In the not great light of the barn, I think last time I was just seeing the pattern of wave in his lengthening coat. In fact, he didn't sweat much at all even galloping a bit last night so I doubt he was sweating much Saturday either. We only trotted a very little bit and did a easy 30 minute trail ride Saturday. I think the saddle is a definite keeper.

I need to settle the flip down. I am telling myself over and over why he's fine and how I know he's fine. I'm mad I rode like an idiot. I hate that I grabbed his mouth - I'd worked so hard to STOP doing that when he spooks. He goes no where if I stay out of his mouth. He doesn't spook much if I'm not tense. Two steps forward three back I guess... gotta get back out there to find my mojo, that's all. And reeeelax.