Goooz fraaaabaaaa

What worries you when you ride or about your horses?

Want to know what worries me? Silly things, I know, but they are real worries that creep in for me. Totally unnecessary, unfounded worries. I'll tell you of my progression mentally and physically...

On the way to the barn I start to think of what we'll do - ring work or trail. I get a knot, either way. A butterfly flutter, blech, tummy knot. Why? I'm heading to the barn to see my lovely after all, who, I am very happy to go see. If I remind myself of THAT I'm fine, for a fleeting second.

Worry #1: I'm terrified for people to watch/see me ride. Seriously. They can SEE me if we're in the ring. I worry I look like a moron bouncing around up there, that I'll reflect poorly on my trainer, my horse and look like a plain ol' fool who should stop disgracing horse kind by trying to ride them.
Worry #2: I worry very much about hurting my horse. I often think that is my greatest fear. Pulling a tendon sending him into bad terrain, back soreness, exacerbate something I missed before riding him... I could put together a long list but you get the idea. It would break my heart to know I CAUSED him pain, even if unintentionally.

Now, WHY do I? Why in the hell would someone worry about that stuff so? At least so often without good reason that someone actually had said something or I actually HAD caused my horse injury.

Worry #1 Roots: I realized after moving to my new barn I have never ridden in front of anyone other than one or two people at a time - usually just the instructor or a barn owner/worker who wasn't paying attention. Starting so late in the horse world which is notoriously catty and often not known for 'acceptance' didn't help because I fully understood some people are standing back making judgement. Also never taking a group lesson, ever, didn't help either. I always rode at smaller barns so it wasn't even another option but private lessons. I also have ALWAYS been cripplingly self conscious on many levels. I played softball very seriously for all my teen years. I wasn't a bad pitcher but I hated it because ALL EYES WERE ON ME. The whole time. I liked catching, my back was to all those eyes and I was just, if not more, involved in controlling the game. I was good though so I KNEW and worked to make sure people didn't have anything bad to say. Appearance-wise and about anything else, one sharp word would turn me to mush inside. I dunno. I realize I shouldn't care what anyone thinks and am working on trying to relax with more people (who aren't even paying attention) being around. Gator, thank heavens, hasn't *completely* picked up on this... other than I'm distracted so he at most is distracted until I forget they're there and focus. What a stupid fear.

Worry #2 Roots: I started in horses mostly, in veterinary medicine and as a young adult. Not only veterinary medicine but a veterinary hospital. I saw and helped treat catastrophic injuries. Daily. That is what I knew. Going out to ambulatory veterinary medicine I realized how rare what I saw was to the regular horse owner. I mean, how many people have seen a horse with literally no hooves? I could tell an owner they're being ridiculous or worrying too much over such things but now, NOW I'm being the ridiculous owner.

Horses can hurt themselves napping (I've seen it), so worrying about injuries as I do is a crazy waste of energy. For instance, I'm trying to lose weight so I'm easier on his back and joints - he's no spring chicken. However, if I'm objective, I am no where NEAR big enough to hurt him. It's silly since I'm doing EVERYTHING I can to avoid preventable injuries, well, short of bubble wrap. I did also worry before because he wasn't 'mine' I was leasing him so there was a guilt factor if I allowed/caused him to injure himself. Now that he's mine, that guilt is at least gone.

With time both of these fears are subsiding, slowly... with light bulb moments and breakthroughs tossed in. Though the first fear, this is truly the first time I've had to face it. Heaven help me if I ever decide to show. I will surely puke. I think time in the saddle with people around will help tremendously.

The other, well, I've realized that cantering him or trotting him outside the arena won't cause his legs to shatter like glass, he's not going to LET me over exert him and the better my position gets the less likely I'll hurt his back. I work hard to improve my riding mostly for his sake. I am realizing he, like most horses, is much tougher than I give him credit for. I still do go over him with a fine tooth come before and after every ride; if nothing else he appreciates the attention and effort. I also think since I waited so long for him, I'm terribly afraid I'll do something stupid to mess it up, like hurt him.

These thoughts roll back in like the tide occasionally, overwhelming me. I just hope that I don't let them hold me back and build up walls not allowing me to do what I want with him. That of course is why some owners never get ON their horses... fears like these, walls built in the mind, most often due to things that most likely will never happen. I try to just breathe and be with him... and it usually works once I'm in the saddle and he demands my attention, in the best of ways.

So, what worries you? What unfounded fears do you cling to despite your attempts to squash them? How do you deal with them? Or am I the only one? Is there hope for my worry weary horse heart?